Praise
The below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
I just received and read your editing of my personal statement. What an incredibly talented job you did on my essay. I cannot say thank you enough. It far exceeded any expectations I had and I really wanted to let you know right away my appreciation and gratitude. I love the smoothing and clarity you added to my work. It is now really interesting to read the essay, even to myself and I already know what it says! I don't know if you normally work on the weekends (we do), but I was floored to see it in my email today. I will look it over more carefully when I come down off my "cloud 9" feeling. If there are any changes I want to make, I will certainly work with you so I can keep the impact this essay makes.
Unedited Version:
In life, accomplishments of goals drive us to excel. Practicing law is a very important stepping stone to fulfilling my aspirations. Being raised in an environment conducive to team work, my parents instilled in me the conviction to lead. This conviction has carried me from elementary school through my collegiate career.
Practicing law is a very integral part in accomplishing my life long goal of being a great civil servant. From the first day I could remember, I knew my life was headed in a direction to help others. My parents raised me with a gift to care and touch the lives of people around me. The first ever honor I received came in second grade. Mrs. XXX presented me with an award at the end of the school year. I received the, "Most Likely to be a Peace Maker," award. When I wonder where my life is headed, and I question my goals, my mother always seems to point to this event. She, undoubtedly, knows that I will one day "be a Peace Maker," somewhere, and somehow. Through high school, and college I searched for my identity. I looked at many possible career paths that matched my personality. The only answer I would always come to was law.
My dream is to one day make a significant impact on our society. A vast majority of Florida and United States congressmen are lawyers. Law School is without doubt the path which will lead me to my calling. I plan to one day touch the lives of as many people as God has planned. He has molded me into an individual who cares mostly about his surroundings. This conviction is deep rooted in my everyday routine, and my overall life.
Day to day, I have a burning desire to impact others. It all began around the beginning my sophomore year in high school, I found a niche with my fellow students. I began serving in student government as the voice of my constituents. As time progressed, I felt more comfortable with stepping outside of the box. I realized that God had given a gift to speak, and touch lives in a very positive way. In May of my sophomore year, I attended the Hugh O'Brien Youth Seminar. This weekend-long leadership program focused my attention to excel in society. It taught me how to think, not what to think.
I quickly realized the difference I could make in my world. From that short weekend forth, my life changed drastically. The leadership conference put new and unique tools in my hands and then immediately put me in an environment to use these new tools through the whole weekend. I was awakened to new ways of doing things that resulted in immediate results in interaction with my fellow peers. I began to search for answers and I was hungry for more of these kind of tools. Law school became a clearer and stronger goal. Through high school, and well into college, I was finding myself. I embarked on numerous extracurricular activities including presiding over the Greek and American Student Association, partaking in the Hugh O'Brien Youth State executive Board, and coaching various volleyball teams in the Gainesville area, all while holding down a full time job at the Home Depot, and attending the University of Florida.
During the 2000 Jr. Olympic Volleyball National Championships in Kentucky, I realized the fruits of my labor. The eleven fourteen-year-old girls on my team brought me a great sense of accomplishment. Through the year, sixteen-hundred teams competed to enter this tournament, and sixty-four were invited. Being a small town of population less then three-hundred thousand, we somehow managed to compile a team that finished ninth in the nation. When the last ball hit the floor, I looked up and wondered why God had given me such an honor. It was clearly one of the greatest moments of my life. The lesson learned was a great one. I realized that my ability to motivate others pays off. Law will definitely lead me down the path where I can continue finding these opportunities. At first, I may be helping one person at a time. As my aspirations become reality, I wish to be impacting whole cities or states. I believe that God has blessed me with these kinds of experiences.
During the three years of working at the Home Depot, I learned a vast amount about team work, customer service, and real-world workers. I found that my experiences in directly dealing with blue collar, middle-income customers and associates add great perspective on my life. I feel this experience is most beneficial because I may one day represent all different classes of people both in the courtroom and in the political arena.
The XXX has offered me a great education, and XXX has given me great opportunities to exercise my dreams. I feel that I was offered a diverse lifestyle, and dealt with many types of individuals in my years there. After having visited XXX, I was immediately turned on to the small school atmosphere. I felt comfortable with the campus, and had a feeling of welcome. Ken, the admissions counselor, gave me a tour of the facility, and I was impressed. He made me feel at home, and I hadn't even applied. I was most impressed with the openness of the faculty. Bob introduced me to Ms. XXX, and she was very welcoming.
Attending XXX University Law School will be a very fruitful path in utilizing my character, beliefs, and experiences to their utmost potential. It is my vision and my opportunity to make an important difference while attending Law school at XXX.
Critique
Dear XXX,
My name is XXX, and I will be your editor throughout the revision process. My area of expertise is law school admissions, so I hope I can help you craft the perfect law school personal statement.
You have the basics of a very good essay here. I took the essence of your essay and revised its structure, grammar, and style, bringing to it the elegance and sophistication that will make you stand out from other applicants.
I focused on eliminating any grammatical or stylistic errors that detract from the flow of the essay. In addition, I broadened the vocabulary and made many changes to diction, and rewrote awkward sentences to aid the continuous flow of the essay. I also varied your sentence structure to keep the reader interested in the writing. Mostly, I tried to add more impact to your words by “cleaning up” your writing style. The manner in which thoughts are expressed can be quite as important as the actual ideas.
You will find that I rearranged your introduction significantly. The original version was somewhat redundant and convoluted. The version below is designed to be clearer and more effective in gaining your reader’s attention.
While the below essay is a significant improvement to your original essay, to create a truly excellent admissions essay, you must include more specific details. For example, when discussing the leadership conference, you mention you learned many tools and ideas and applied them to your life, but you never give a single concrete example. This type of abstract writing has no place in an admissions essay.
After reading your essay, I am not at all convinced that I would accept you. Your essay at times reads like a cliché. It really does not matter that attending law school will tremendously help you. What matters is that you have what it takes to attend law school. What have you done to prepare for law school? What admirable personal qualities do you possess, and more importantly, what life experiences demonstrate these qualities?
The next step is for you to look over this new version and make your own changes to it, then send it back to me at XXX@xxx.com (you can simply respond to this email). I will then revise whatever you send me. Together, we should be able to create a great personal statement!
Edited Essay:
Throughout my life, I have always known that helping others would be an integral part of my career. My parents raised me with the belief that we must constantly strive to touch the lives of the people around us. In the second grade, I received the first reward of my academic career: my teacher Mrs. Horodowich presented me with the “Most Likely to be a Peace Maker” award. In later years, whenever I began wondering where my life was headed, my mother would remind me of that award. She has never questioned her conviction that I will one day “be a Peace Maker” somewhere and somehow.
During high school and college, I searched for my identity. I looked at many possible career paths, yet I always came back to law. It is the only profession that perfectly matches my personality and goals, and gives me the ability to fulfill my lifelong dream of making a significant impact on our society through civil service. A vast majority of Florida and United States congressmen are lawyers; the legal profession seems ideally suited to such a calling. I believe that God has molded me into the type of individual who cares strongly about his surroundings, and cannot be happy unless he is impacting those around him in a positive way. This conviction is deeply rooted in my everyday routine and in my overall life. I want to touch the lives of as many people as I can.
My burning desire to impact others has been with me throughout my life, but became most firm during my sophomore year in high school. I began serving in student government as the voice of my constituents. As time progressed, I grew increasingly comfortable with stepping outside of the box. I realized that God had given me a gift to speak, and that I could use that gift to benefit others. In May of my sophomore year, I attended the Hugh O’Brien Youth Seminar, which taught me how to think, not what to think. I quickly realized the impact I could have in my everyday life. After that short weekend, my life changed drastically. The leadership conference equipped me with new and unique tools that I could apply throughout my life. I grew hungry for more of these tools and ideas, and began to see law school as a place where I could acquire them.
Through high school and well into college, I continued finding myself. I participated in numerous extracurricular activities, including presiding over the Greek and American Student Association, joining the Hugh O'Brien Youth State Executive Board, and coaching various volleyball teams in the Gainesville area, all while holding down a full time job at the Home Depot and attending the University of Florida. During the 2000 Jr. Olympic Volleyball National Championships in Kentucky, I realized the fruits of my labor. Guiding the eleven fourteen-year-old girls on my team to success brought me a great sense of accomplishment. Through the year, sixteen hundred teams competed to enter this tournament, and only sixty-four were invited. Although our team was from a small town with a population of less then three hundred thousand, we somehow managed to finish ninth in the nation. When the last ball hit the floor, I looked up and thanked God for giving me such an honor. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, and taught me a lesson that I will never forget. I realized that my ability to motivate others could lead to great achievements. Law will definitely enable me to continue finding such opportunities. At first, I may be helping one person at a time. Yet as time passes and my aspirations become reality, I envision myself impacting whole cities or states.
The XXX has offered me an excellent education, and XXX has given me great opportunities to exercise my dreams. However, I believe that I would gain more from attending a smaller, more personal institution. While visiting XXX in Miami, I found the small school atmosphere very exciting. I felt comfortable with the campus, and had a feeling of welcome. Bob, the admissions counselor, gave me a tour of the impressive facility. He made me feel at home, even though I had yet to apply. I was most impressed with the openness of the faculty when Ken introduced me to XXX, who was very friendly and welcoming. I know that attending XXX will provide me with the educational foundation to fully realize my professional and personal goals. I hope to make an important difference in society; XXX will provide me the opportunity.